As leading Breast Care Experts since 1984, for the last 40 years we have supported thousands of women across the UK and worldwide following a breast cancer diagnosis. We understand it can be a lot to process, both physically and emotionally – not just for you but for those around you. Alongside our post-surgery collection, we aim to support you with relevant resources suitable from your diagnosis through to treatment, recovery and beyond.
Introducing Caroline Leek founder and director of Fruitfly Collective, a multi-award winning, not for profit organisation that focuses on parents and families, affected by cancer.
Fruitfly Collective was set up to help families talk about cancer, death and grief – to support children by giving them coping tools and knowledge that they are not alone. Fruitfly Collective has a small core team of scientists, clinicians, artists and designers who collaborate with a range of experts. Their collaborators include nurses, scientific researchers, visual artists, medics, photographers, clinical psychologists, palliative care social workers, children and young people, and people who have been affected by cancer.
Difficult conversations
One of the reasons why it so hard to tell your child that you have cancer is the primal feeling of wanting to protect them from any harm, worry or concern.
The trouble is that children easily pick up on things and have amazing imaginations. Even if you think you’re hiding your grief, pain, and emotions supremely well – they know something is up.
Not telling them or giving them partial or incorrect information can be more worrying than the truth. It doesn’t matter how old your child is, the key aims are to reassure them, show them love and security, and to open a safe space for them to ask questions.
What to tell them - younger children
This will depend on the child’s age and development. Most young children need to simply hear that cancer is a sickness, that you are trying to get better with the help of the doctors. Don’t be surprised if they want to go and play and react like nothing has happened.
For older children you could say something simple like: “I have an illness called cancer. It means some lumps are growing inside my body that shouldn’t be there. I have many doctors and nurses who are helping me”. They are likely to ask lots of questions, so perhaps prepare yourself with some answers. Sometimes it can be a good idea to ask them ‘What do you know about cancer? Have you ever heard of cancer before?’
What to tell them - teenagers
Teenagers like the truth delivered in a non-patronising way. Often sitting next to them to talk rather than opposite them works better. It’s all about giving them space, and not being too confrontational and staring into their eyes. Look for any changes in your child’s behaviour as this might be a clue to how they are feeling.
For example, they may return to younger behaviours such as thumb sucking or wetting the bed, or suddenly become afraid of something they were not previously before. Some children display more anger, some complain of headaches/stomach aches and some children will have no reaction which can be hurtful but it’s their way of processing it. All these responses are normal.
How to support them?
What can you do to make this easier, especially when your life is upside down too?
Basically, all the support revolves around giving them security with boundaries, facilitating good communication, and showing them love.
Ask for help from family, friends, and your child’s school.
Four lessons I learnt from my experience of teaching over 1,000 primary school children about cancer...
1) Children are genuinely curious about cancer – even those who are recently affected. They have the capacity to understand if explanations are age appropriate.
2) Children have an amazing ability to deal with the truth that adults often underestimate, and this is largely because they don’t have the same fears as adults.
3) Children enjoy the opportunity to speak about cancer – especially those affected.
4) Every child has some degree of awareness of cancer whether it is news from the media, public health or charity campaigns, or shops on the high street. Most of what they believe is incorrect.
